Sunday, December 01, 2013

Sims Family Album

The appeal of casual gaming, IMHO, is that none of it is inordinately difficult or engaging. Less "games" in the tradition of ultimate goals and more "tools of distraction". They distract you from your own thoughts, which can be great when your thoughts are negative or you're simply overthinking problems.

It is in that spirit that I started playing (using?) "The Sims Freeplay". A mobile app in which you play god over a sprawling dollhouse world filled with people-esque creatures that you design and boss about. All the characters need names... and I tried to name them as offensively as possible. Some clearly more offensive than others.

This was fine when the game was a closed app, only visible to yourself. But they updated the app and gave it social functions. Now, you're encouraged to visit other people's Sim Towns and interact with their Sim creatures in order to obtain special Sim Points that you can use to buy more Sim dollhouse bullshit.

I don't represent the demographic of the average Sims Freeplay user. Most of their towns are populated with characters named after the Harry Potterverse, or tween idols, or perhaps their own personal junior high school crushes.

These are the characters they meet when they venture into MY town...

Our token heterosexual couple.

"Malice Highload". Musician.

"Emily Highload". Artist.

Fortunately, the app allows for same-gender pairings.

"Hate Fuckstain".  Scientist.

"Slutty Fuckstain".  Scientist.


"Arson Extinction".  Unemployed.

"Emily Extinction".  Unemployed.


"Killjoy Cuntington."  Scientist.

"Whore Cuntington."  Unemployed.

"Antichrist Cuntington." Tween boy I'm considering aging into a full-fledged teen. (There are five age brackets and each has exclusive action abilities/limitations: baby, toddler, tween, teenager and adult)


"Cunty Cuntington" and "Glacier Extinction" are engaged in a Juliet & Juliet teenage affair, pitting the Cuntingtons against the Extinctions.  (Cunty Cuntington is also a Pop Idol, it should be noted.)


"Bummer McGee".  Actor.

"Fucking McGee".  Athlete.

Note that the app allows singles to be in relationships with multiple people, including married people. No judgements.

"Alone Forever".  Athlete.

"Don Raper".  Politician.

"Suicidal Dead Man".  Politician.

"Bitchy Bitch".  Artist.

"Blitzkrieg Cumbucket".  Firefighter.

"Deadly Nightshade".  Scientist.

"Lemonbelly Fucklord".  Teacher.

"Axl Rose" (Unemployed) with his dog "Torque". This is the point where I decided to start naming and fashioning characters after rockstars.

Visiting a neighbor's town, "Axl Rose" met a bloke that some young girl named "Harry Stiles" (sic). They began this relationship:

(Note the pools of urine on the floor as "Harry Stiles" had not been told to shower or use the toilet in ages.)

Their innocent affair escalated to this: