Monday, July 31, 2006

How to Disappear Completely

"All things end badly, or else they wouldn't end."
- Tom Cruise's character from "Cocktail"

Festival closing party. How many times can something end? How many times can you say goodbye? And say it well?

Last night, Malice sailed off toward the Grey Havens...

What to say that hasn't been said? I didn't get to talk to everyone I wanted to talk to. I know I said some stupid things to the people I did talk to. (But saying something stupid isn't the same as being stupid... as mama always tole me...) I tried. I did all I could.

People who donated a grand to SPF this year are getting posters signed by us playwrights (as many of us as they could get), and so I briefly excused myself from the party to add my signature to 13 posters. I was well on my way to being plastered when I signed them, so some of them are HORRIDLY illegible. I drew a smiley face on two of them and a star on one of them. Overall, I was surprised at how clumsy my autograph was. I remember practicing my autograph skillz in high school, so you'd think I'd have a good one. But it's just hard to read. If you manage to see one of these posters, mine is the goofy sig on the bottom right corner.

I need to cool the fuck out this week. Take some more long walks and meditate. On the walk home from Theatre Row tonight, I thought to myself, "If I got hit by a car, how long would it take before anyone would notice that I'm gone?" What a lonely idea to torture myself with. I need to sift out some of this morbidity. Get it out of my head and into my work.

I don't want you to save yourself. I want you to stay with me.

When you want it
It goes away too fast
Times you hate it
Always seems to last

Just remember... when you think you're free
The crack inside your fucking heart is me

Lie to me,
Cry to me,
Give to me
(I would...)
Lie with me,
Die with me,
Give to me
(I would...)

Keep all your secrets wrapped in dead hair...
Always, keep all your secrets wrapped in dead hair... always...

I hope that we die holding hands... always...
Hope that we die holding hands...
Always hope that we die holding hands...

- Marilyn Manson, "The Speed of Pain"